A recent discussion with my keyholder wife leads to some interesting revelations.
What Started It All
I’d been let out for an evening. You see, I lost a card game. We play with the idea that if she wins, she gets something, if I win, she gets to do something to me or for her. We pushed the envelope a little. She agreed to tie me to the bed, tease me under her terms, and no orgasm.
So, after sorting out the other house duties, I made my way to the bedroom. “Spread out on the bed please.” she says, matter-of-factly. I do so, and she gets to work. It’s simple light rope work, just scarves and the like. She’s never really accepted attempts at bondage before, so this is quite something. I’m fully spread-eagled on the bed, then the blindfold goes on. Obviously, we’ve got a safe word, and she gets to work.
An hour later, I’m asking her to stop. That’s basically the end of the session. She read me like a book, taking me to the edge each and every time. I’m breathing hard. She loosens me off and we cuddle on the bed. We start talking, and in time, she sees I’m flaccid again.
“Time to put him back in the cage now.”
But then, she really throws me a curve ball and asks:
“Do you want to go back in, to be locked again?”
The paradox of choice when you have none.
She’s not asking as if I have a choice, she is asking because I think she wants to understand my mind a little more. I explain it’s a paradox. I don’t want to get locked again because I’m still super turned on and simply want an orgasm – any orgasm will do right now. According to my timer on Chaster, it’s been 16 days since I had one, and there’s been nothing but teasing since.
I want to get locked as well, because as I explained it: I want to see how far this goes. More specifically, I said, I wanted to see how far she would take me. She seemed to understand and accept that. I know for a fact I won’t be getting a normal orgasm for a very long time, and she has made no hints about a ruined one at all. I might be close because I’ve been leaking cum from time to time – especially when she decides to have a good ol’ fondle of the package when we’re doing things around the house.
But she has her rules – I’m not allowed that for at least another 14 days, possibly 44 days. She has the key, she is in control of them.
So the paradox is layered too – as much as I want to stay out, experiencing normal tactile sensations on my penis, and the freedom to choose my own orgasm, I want to see how long I can go without. To experience deeper senses of desire and torment. To remain chaste not only for her, in accordance with her request (or even command), but to see what these longer stints do to me. Especially as I’m at the mercy of another human with their own ideas about what my chastity should look like.
The lack of proper control is intoxicating.
Submission to our keyholder, or ourselves?
The strangeness of her request got me thinking. How do we deal with the submission and the desire for release? How do we reconcile internally the conflict of the rising desire of orgasmic pleasure over the command of the keyholder to restrict ourselves for even longer? I’m not a “permanent” chaste husband, at least not yet. I don’t think too much about the frame of mind that must exist at that level of chastity, but it’s something that crept up on my mind as I waited for the flaccid state to arrive so that I could return myself to the locked state I am beginning to find so comfortable and reassuring.
Other chastity bloggers have mused over this state of comfort – finding the “normal” in our restricted place, not the older, seemingly natural freedom that our penis has had for the time before chastity existed in our lives.
Admittedly, it is probably correct to assume that most, if not all practitioners of male chastity are submissive in nature at some level. Some more than others, I would assume. We submit to the whims of our dominant partners, the keyholder’s who dictate the duration we spend locked, those who decide our moments of freedom and pleasure on their terms. But it would be disingenuous to say we don’t have desires of our own. They are sometimes tied strongly to the needs of our dominant, the person who wants us free to use at their discretion, often with a deep connection that shows they care for us. But they are also careful not to push us into a place where our needs and wants are fulfilled in the ways we expect – a ruined orgasm is a typical example.
We probably yearn for freedom at some point. It’s part of the frustrations that we experience being locked up. The prisoner desires to be free. What we do when we’re free is unknown, the longer we experience the confines of the devices locked to us. I yearn for freedom, for a normal orgasm, to be able to masturbate and feel the hormonal release upon climax. I can’t though. I also won’t. I am submitted to my wife, my keyholder, my Queen who dictates when and where and how it can happen, if at all.
Ultimately, my submission to her overrides my own desires. Those desires are very strong by now, as she has expertly and deftly teased me into a place where my mind can often turn to jelly. But still, her power over me, and exploiting my submissive nature will mean I remain locked up until the next time I am set free for her to play with as she needs.
It’s an interesting question to ask as a keyholder just at the point when returning your property back into it’s little prison –
“Do you want to go back in, to be locked up again?”
It must just stir something up in the chaste males mind and help them realise the nature of their submissiveness, as it did mine.
On the long road of no destination…
For me, ultimately, it was the answer I gave her – “I want to see how far this goes.” which required far more explanation. I desire to be denied for longer. I want to see how long I go for. I don’t want to have a say in that matter – I want it to be out of my control as much as possible.
I think she understood what I was getting at. It’s relatively new territory for her, as we’ve found this recent expiration in to chastity play being the most successful, and the longer it goes on the more she learns too. She’s already great at teasing in different ways, being playful, attending to the need of keeping me in a certain state, being in charge, etc. But the mental endurance is new to both of us. It’s the first time we’ve looked at doing a month of me getting nothing, and she’s already learned that her usual high intensity isn’t needed. She’s become a little more philosophical about my state, what it’s doing to us both, and hence why she asked the question.
Knowing that I want to continue is a reassurance for her, but I had to reiterate that the ongoing nature of things is not strictly down to me anyway. She wants it to continue, she gets her pleasure in both the sexual and emotional way too – she finds my chastity frustrations amusing at times.
Understanding that deferring to her to keep going is important, and that I am in new territory too – she must be more watchful now for how it affects me in my daily life, how it can be positive or could potentially turn negative. I have read of people who become very depressed in nature after certain periods of time, and for some it’s enough to stop at that point. Others can carry on through and find a new lease of “life” after that period. We need to be careful to see if this happens.
Truth is, we simply don’t know. I know that we both ultimately want to find out where this rabbit-hole of longer term chastity leads us both. It’s truly exciting times in not only our intimate lives, but mentally for each of us too.